Why do breakups happen? The reality is that it’s never one thing. It is usually a combination of things like the argument about the use of a phone charger that is really about boundaries. Or feelings of abandonment and contempt that have been building over a number of years.  While reflecting on a breakup after the fact can be therapeutic, there are indicators you can use to take action before it is too late.

Based on the research of Drs. John and Judy Gottman, creators of Gottman Couples Therapy,  The following 4 dynamics are good predictors that a couple will break up, also known as “The Four Horsemen of Failed Relationships”.  If you see these signs in your own relationship, they should be addressed immediately in therapy. Let’s get to it!

Criticism 

The first is criticism, which is attacking your partner’s character or personality. This can present itself with phrases like “You’re selfish”,  “you work too much”, or “You never think of me and the kids”. Criticism is tough for us all, but constantly hearing it can break even the strongest connections. Constructive feedback in a relationship is a healthy way to resolve issues, but if this turns into constant criticism and attacks on one another’s character, it is a sign your relationship is headed for trouble. 

Contempt

The second sign is contempt, which involves disrespect and disdain for the other person. During the honeymoon phase, we love everything about our partners. The way they dress, smile, and even the way they say things. But as the relationship starts to break down,  things that you once found endearing, you now find irritating about each other. These may seem like normal relationship challenges, but this shift usually indicates deeper issues. This, coupled with the criticism in sign one can be a dangerous combination that can breed contempt in your relationship. Are you feeling this way about your partner? Talk to a therapist about it. 

Defensiveness

The third sign is defensiveness. When a relationship is in a state of crisis, it is common for a couple to blame each other for their problems. You both can equally feel the same way, that the other person is the one to blame. But this is the quickest way to get nowhere. A neutral party like a therapist can help you pinpoint facts, vs what your emotions and trauma are telling you. A therapist can also share strategies for adopting an “us vs the problem” mindset instead of blaming each other.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is the final stage and the hardest to recover from (but still possible!). This is the stage where one or both people in the relationship withdraws and shuts down communication, leading to a breakdown in the relationship. The desire to fix the problems in the relationship has dissipated and the only option seems to be separation. However, it is still not too late! Go into therapy knowing that it will take commitment and willingness to work on your relationship from both parties. Also, understand that stonewalling is usually a defense mechanism for someone who is deeply hurt. If you and your partner truly commit to doing the work, you can get past this. 

Being aware of these warning signs can help you address issues before they lead to a breakup. Our therapists at Serenity Wellness are trained in Gottman couples therapy which is a proven approach to helping couples improve their relationship by communicating effectively, managing conflict, and strengthening their emotional bonds.

Whether you see some of these signs or all of them, you can still seek help to improve your relationship. Book a consultation with us and we look forward to working with you to build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship.